Personally, I like the smell of pine

Hot diggity dog. I was excited. Macy’s sent me a “fragrance gift guide” just in time for my Christmas shopping needs. After looking through it, however, I realized that I just don’t get “fragrances.”

First off, I always just call it perfume. Apparently, the preferred nomenclature is scent or fragrance or Eau de Parfum Spray, or Eau de Toilette Spray.

Some of scents could be scented on an attached scratch and sniff kind of thing, or on cards that all fell out of the guide and onto my floor. The card for “Cashmere Mist” had a flap that read “Lift to experience.” I wondered how you turn a cloth into a mist.

For those that didn’t include something to smell, I guess you’re just left with looking at the pictures and reading the descriptions to make your choice. Clearly, these fragrance makers are appealing based on image.

The first fragrance was “Diesel,” which comes in a burlap sack tied with leather. A greasy rag would be more appropriate, I think. While shopping last week, a young fellow dressed all in black and sporting spiked hair working in the scent section of Macy’s handed me a piece of paper that said Diesel. It didn’t smell anything like diesel.

Several of them, I guess, try to get the buyer to identify with the name of some famous person associated with the perfume. “L, a L.A.M.B. fragrance by Gwen Stefani” for those people who want to look like an overdone 1940s hooker and who like to smell like “A luscious floral fragrance wrapped in a sensual warmth."



The Elizabeth Arden offering was interesting, because it offered no description or scratch-n-sniff card. Here’s a picture of Elizabeth Arden; buy this scent and identify yourself with this old gal. Actually, my first mental image was of Eve Arden, another seemingly odd choice for young women to try to emulate.

Next up, Jessica McClintock, who recommends “An exquisite fragrance that is a reminder of another era.” In other words, an old smell. Possible musty.



Sarah Jessica Parker is hawking “Covet, a stunning blend of green notes, gorgeous florals, and sensuous woods,” and “Lovely, a modern, silky white amber fragrance.” Using color - green, white, amber - to describe an odor can’t be olfactorally accurate. Plus, do you associate S.J. Parker with lovely?



The men weren’t left out. Sean Jean suggests “Unforgivable, for men and women,” with the tag line “Together they embody the essence of sensuality that is sure to intoxicate the senses.” Okay, a scent that can be worn by men or women? Not in Idaho, baby. No metrosexuals here.



There was also “Usher, a fresh woody musk scent.” Does this guy look fresh, woody and musky? Would he want to?

Britney Spears had “believe,” no description, no sniffer card. Spray this on, take of your underwear, hit the town and start partying.

Last, Mariah Carey tenders “M,” and invites you to “Celebrate the season with decadence.” Nothing says Christmas like decadence.